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The Gift

The Gift

I learned something about myself around this whole surgery thing. The surgery was for a hernia repair. It was supposed to be a simple day surgery, quickly in and out, a week or so of recovery to get back on my feet. And that is exactly how it went for about ten hours, and then I passed out and hit the floor.

I have never passed out before this. I was sitting down when it happened. At first I just began feeling very odd, as if someone was dimming the lights. I felt strangely disconnected from my body. This was one of those instances when everything seemed to be in slow motion. I had a number of clear thoughts and I?m pretty sure it happened more quickly than I am remembering it.

I first wondered what was going on with my body, and recognized that something pretty odd was happening. I wondered if I had taken too many pain pills. I mean, who puts a person under the influence of narcotics in charge of their own dosing, anyway? With that thought I wondered if I had over dosed and maybe I was going to die.

At first I felt a sense of panic at the thought, and I started a detour into fear. Then, just as suddenly, I thought, ?Well Ok, if it is time, then it is time. I don?t know how I feel about this.? And just as I very often do in everyday life (you know, every day life, when I?m not thinking I?m going to die in the very next moment!), I gave it over to the Holy Spirit. I asked Him to be in charge. I surrendered my efforts to think. I surrendered my desire to judge what was happening, or even what should happen.

As the physical process played out in my body, I felt stranger yet, but I had become an observer watching it happen. I was interested, but no longer emotionally attached to the outcome. I had called on a higher power, and as odd as it seems under the circumstances, I felt at peace with the situation. When I came to on the cold tiles, I wondered why I was sleeping on the floor, and a brief experiment with lifting my head convinced me that I wasn?t getting up on my own. Fortunately Toby was home taking care of me and with Sheryl and Archie?s help they got me to the hospital where I spent a couple of nights.

A friend and I were talking before this happened. I was saying that I think I am finally getting over my fear of death, but how could I know for certain until it happens. Thinking that I may be close to dieing gave me a chance to evaluate my progress. But, more important to me, is that I now know that my vigilance in bringing everything to the Holy Spirit for His interpretation rather than my own, has been working. Even in a moment of acute fear, I remembered Who I wanted to follow. I feel very humbled by this experience and very grateful. I also feel motivated to redouble my vigilance.

I would never choose surgery and losing consciousness as a learning experience. But, as long as I am inhabiting this body and living on this planet, things are going to happen to me. Some will be less enjoyable than others. What is true about everything that happens is that I have a choice about what I want to do with these experiences. I can choose to whine about them and bemoan how unfair life is. I can choose to feel sorry for myself and wonder why everything seems to happen to me. I?ve tried all of the above, by the way, and haven?t noticed that any of these choices has added joy to my life.

The other choice I have is to accept the gift each new experience brings me. Perhaps you?ve read Illusions by Richard Bach. In it he says, ?There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.? If I am having trouble seeing past the pain and discerning the gift, I ask God for clarity. Each lesson, each gift is a precious opportunity to move closer to my original state of grace. That is what they are for. I don?t want to overlook a single one.

 

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Discovering the Source of my Strength

Discovering the Source of My Strength

Another thing I learned while in the hospital had to do with strength. One of the worst parts of being in the hospital is how weak it makes me feel. There is a sense of vulnerability that is inherent in everything about a hospital stay.

First they take your clothes from you and dress you in an open gown that leaves you with little modesty and no dignity. They decide everything for you; what you eat, what medicine you will be taking, when you are allowed to get up and what you are allowed to do.

If you are having a procedure done it will probably be a mystery to you. You don?t know what they are going to do to you or if it will hurt, or, more likely, how bad it will hurt, or for how long.

If it is an invasive procedure like surgery, your body will feel assaulted and will require time to heal. During that time the body feels very weak and especially vulnerable. You hate for anyone to come near you and want to protect the injured site.

The body weakness can go on for a long time. A week after the surgery I drove to the doctor?s office to have a dressing changed and I wondered how anyone could get so tired just driving two miles and walking into an office.

While still in the hospital, I lay in the bed feeling both weak and vulnerable and thinking how unpleasant and unnatural these feelings are. There was nothing I could do to alter the circumstances of my life at this moment, but I could change my mind about how I was feeling about them. I asked the Holy Spirit to come into my mind and heal my thoughts. I could feel discomfort around the surgical sight so I put my hand on it. This reminded me that I could do a LaHo Chi treatment on myself. LaHo Chi is an energy healing method I had learned recently and this seemed an ideal time to practice it.

I began with a prayer asking the Holy Spirit to join with me in this healing. As I asked for healing I could feel the familiar warmth and tingling begin in my hands and then spread around my affected organs and move outward over all of my body.

Afterward, I felt better and I realized something very important. My body may have been temporarily weakened, but I am not my body. I am spirit and spirit is not weak. It doesn?t matter how weak my body is, my spirit is unchanged and is as God created it; perfect, whole, and powerful.

After that experience I lost that feeling of being weak and vulnerable. Sure, my body is experiencing these things as part of the healing process, and I intend to give my body all the rest and supplements needed to support it as it heals. That doesn?t mean I am going to identify myself with my body.

When I get into my car, I am surrounded with a protective shield of metal. It takes me places quickly and comfortably. I am very grateful to have my car, but I never think of myself as being my car. I never think when my car is broken that I am broken. I don?t identify with my car.
My body is a useful instrument for living on planet earth. I appreciate it and am glad to have it. The problem comes when I start to identify with it. I start to think I am my body. I forget that I am spirit. Just as I get out of my car at the end of the trip, when I am at the end of this life, I will step out of my body.

I had surgery to correct a bodily problem, but I had a healing of another, more important kind. I recognized that I was feeling something other than joy and I chose to change my mind about it. I brought those thoughts to the Holy Spirit and he healed my mind. He showed me that my strength is not dependent on my body, that my strength does not come from my body. He showed me that I am not my body.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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The Monster Within

The Monster Within

Since I had my surgery, I?ve needed a lot of help. At one time, it would have been hard for me to ask for help. Heck, it was even hard for me to accept help that was offered. I always hated to ask people to go out of their way for me. I?ve always hated to ask for favors. That?s odd, really, because I?ve never hesitated to do favors for others; I just hated asking for favors. What I noticed this time, is that I have been much more comfortable allowing people to help me.

I think there is more than one reason for this change. First, I have learned that helping others brings me joy. I?ve always been one to pitch in and help if asked, and sometimes without being asked. So you would think I?d already know that helping others brings joy. I believe, though, that in the past I was not helping others for the sheer joy of helping. I had ulterior motives.

I helped so that people would like me and think well of me. I helped, sometimes, because I didn?t know how to say no. So, instead of feeling the joy that could have been mine, I was feeding my ego. What a hungry ego it was! Enough is never enough. It seemed the more I fed it, the hungrier it got. The more praise and admiration I garner for it, the more it demands just to, temporarily, quiet the hunger pains. I would never satisfy its ever growing need to be adored.

I may have started out motivated to feed the monster within, but it became a real chore. Sure, at first the ego seemed pleased with my offerings of respect and friendship, and it whispered to me of how loved I must be. But, the glow of satisfaction would fade with the murmurings of gratitude, and I would be left feeling empty and bereft of love until I found another opportunity to feed my ego.

It was much like the phenomenon of taking a drink for the pleasant feeling it brings. It seems such a lovely gift. Then you discover that it takes two drinks just to experience the same glow. When the glow is gone- how dark it seems.

It started out innocently enough; I feed the ego with a little praise such as the compliments my boss tosses my way for giving beyond the call of duty. Then I add some gratitude for a favor done for a friend. It was only a mild inconvenience to me, and it pleased her so much. There was a nice glow from my ego as I laid these offerings at its altar. When the glow faded, I was uncomfortable in the seeming darkness left behind, so I found more food for my ego. Soon it seemed that I was trying to feed an elephant with a tablespoon. That?s when I started feeling resentful.

When someone would ask a favor, I would say, ?Of course, how can I help?? In this way I would gather the praise and gratitude needed to keep my monster within fed. But, beneath that would be the carefully controlled anger and resentment; the feeling of being taken advantage of, of not being appreciated for myself, but only for what I do.

The problem was that the more I fed my ego, the more it grew until I forgot there was anything else. I began to believe that I was my ego. I identified so completely with my ego that if I didn?t continue to satisfy its ever growing appetite, I thought I would cease to exist. But behind that ugly monster there was the true me-the me that God created. This Divine Spark created by God to be like Himself, glows eternally. While I can ignore it and act as if it is not there, I can do nothing to extinguish it. I had become so busy feeding the monster that all my attention was focused on it,and I forgot there was anything else to see.

As I started working with the Holy Spirit to return my focus to my spiritual self, I was able to see that Divine Spark, and, lo and behold, it wasn?t really what I would call a spark at all. It was an ever expanding light that filled my mind until I began to identify with it instead of with my ego. This light showed me that I don’t need to be adored. I am adorable whether anyone notices or not. I don’t need anyone to accept me, love me, respect me or be impressed by me. I am already all of those things.

I was talking about this with my friend, Carrie. We were discussing how to tell the difference between joy and pleasure. We decided that joy is of the Holy Spirit. It is ours anytime we want it, and it doesn’t go away as long as we choose it. Pleasure, on the other hand is of the ego. It feels good for awhile, but doesn’t last. When it is gone, there is an emptiness that feels painful. If I think I need to be adored and I get that kind of feedback, it feels good for as long as it lasts, but when it is gone, it feels awful. Since it seems to be outside of me, I can never be sure of getting it back, and that is scary. Even while I am being adored, I cannot really enjoy it because I know that I can lose it at any moment. So if I want to choose joy instead, I just bring everything that isn’t joy to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to heal it for me. It isn’t complicated or hard.

My ego still begs for scraps, and sometimes I feed it, but it is just an old habit, and I can see myself giving it up entirely someday. Now I don?t believe I am that needy, grasping person. When I give, I give because of the joy it brings me, not to feed the monster within.  So, when I need help from someone during my recovery, I ask for it. It takes nothing from me to ask for help, and what I understand now, is that giving truly is a joy. I am pleased to give my loving family and dear friends the chance to experience that joy for themselves.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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