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Healing the Past

Here is something interesting that happened yesterday. I started the day by spending a couple hours on the phone with my mind healing partner, Loretta and she gave me an idea. She was talking about how time is an illusion and that everything is happening at once. I know this is true and is the reason why it does not matter when we forgive. I have often “gone back in time” to forgive. I had a wonderful experience doing this with my mother. She has Alzheimer and doesn’t know me anymore, but mind to mind we had a forgiveness session about something that happened when I was a thoughtless young woman. I felt the release of the past and it was a beautiful thing.

So why not expand this process? I have been thinking about my children a lot because of writing my book on the subject of raising children. This is what I did. I started with my oldest son, Scott. I remembered myself carrying him in my womb and I returned my attention to how I felt at that time. I then allowed the Love that is God to flow through me to that child in my womb. I had no plan as to what was supposed to happen when I did this because, as Loretta pointed out, Love knows what to do. It knows what is needed.

I imagined myself a clear conduit that simply allows Love to flow through it unencumbered by egoic needs. It was a very lovely experience. Then I thought about a time when he was very young. We were visiting with a friend of mine who had children. All the kids were playing and we adults were talking. I decided to go to the store for something and got in the car to leave.

As I was driving away, I glanced at the rear view mirror and saw that child running as hard as he could to catch up with me. I felt a flash of guilt and then immediately projected it onto him. I thought, “Couldn’t I even go to the store without that child?” I stopped for him and told him that I was coming right back and he could stay and play but, of course, he wouldn’t let go of me. My guilt could not let me look at how badly I had scared him, so I became angry.

My idea was to send Love to Scott at this time in his life to heal what I was unable to cope with as a young woman. What I discovered is that I could not do it because I was still so caught up in the guilt of the moment. I had never forgiven myself for that moment and so my guilt and need to be forgiven was clogging up the conduit. So instead of directing Love to Scott, I directed it to that young inexperienced mom that I used to be. At first I didn’t feel anything, and when I asked Holy Spirit what to do, He gave me the idea that I needed to return in feeling to that moment.

I really didn’t want to do that. It was not my best moment and I felt ashamed. But the idea of being able to forgive and to heal both Scott and myself motivated me to do this. I went right back to that time and felt everything as if it were happening right now. The difference is that I was also the compassionate watcher.

I felt all the emotions, the fear of not knowing how to be a mom, the guilt at doing so badly at the job, and I saw the moment when I chose the ego solution of projection. I felt all the anger and frustration of being a mother and saw it as the child’s fault. I sent Love to that young woman and in sending Love, I forgave her in my mind. The shame I felt before was replaced by compassion. It was a very emotional moment.

Once I had cleared that old grievance against myself I was able to direct Love to Scott. It flowed freely and this time the tears were tears of joy. I continued doing this process for awhile using different times in Scott’s life when memory suggested it would be appropriate. It makes a great five minute Christ meditation. Healing in this way feels like expressing myself as Christ. I did a lot of self forgiveness as well, a lot of releasing of the past. I am going to do more.

I wondered if it made any difference to the Scott I know now, and once that would have been a big thing to me because of the guilt I was carrying around about how I raised him. But without that guilt which had melted away with the forgiveness I was able to hear the Holy Spirit assure me that the gift of healing was waiting for Scott. He would accept it when he was ready.

© 2008, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Denial

Yesterday I was studying The Way of Mastery with a friend and we were talking about denial. So many times as Course students we fall into the trap of denying what we know is not ultimate truth. I know that personality is not ultimately real and who I am so when someone is talking about a book on personality types I shy away thinking it is just reinforcing the ego thought system. This is really just the ego joining me in my spiritual study bringing fear into it. But I like most students have done this sort of thing. I get sick and I say I can’t really be sick because I am not a body and Course students don’t believe in sickness. Well, ultimately I am not a body but right now I am having the experience of a body and that body might be sick. Anyway, I woke up with some clarity about that this morning and sent my friend an email with my thoughts. I am pasting that email here.

Thinking about our talk yesterday I wanted to add that there is a distinct difference in being aware of the personality that I have chosen to experience, and believing that I am that personality. Tom Hanks played a mob killer and he did it very well because he allowed himself to get into the role. He felt the way a killer feels, he acted like one, for awhile he immersed himself in the role and became that killer. But when he was through with the role, he shrugged all those feeling off and went on as himself until he took up another role. If he had felt guilty for playing that role and refused to fully be the killer he would not be a good actor. And acting like a killer did not make him a killer.

This is precisely what is happening to me. I am immersed in the character, Myron. I am doing this because I want to. I chose this character out of my perfect freedom. I am not afraid of playing this character and not in denial about the personality or anything else about the character including having a body with all the experiences that come with having a body. If the body is sick I am not going to feel guilty for being sick. If Myron is experiencing emotional upset I am not going to feel guilty or deny the emotional upset but go through the feelings.

I am learning something from this experience of being a personality or of being sick.I am learning what it means to be separate and I am deciding if I want to continue in this state. I would rob myself of this learning situation if I denied I was having it. When I am through with this part I will remove my attention from the character and like a soap opera character, Myron will be killed off or pass away in some suitably dramatic means. And I will go on as I was created, probably choosing another character to play or maybe watching myself in a repeat performance if I need to.

The important thing for me to remember is that I am not the character, Myron, and am unaffected by this brief performance. I remain as I was created. When I choose to remember this all the time, I will be an awakened Christ. I can choose to walk the earth as an awakened Christ, perfectly aware of my true identity and aware of everyone else’s. Then I won’t be fooled by all the other players. When they play the part of jerk, it won’t make me angry because I will know they are just playing a part and doing the same thing I did; using it to wake up. Won’t that be cool!

I was a little out of it yesterday and couldn’t get my mind around what I wanted to say. Probably because I was distracted by the plumbers and I realized later that day that I had forgotten to take my estrogen. My lead character is very dependent on magical means to stay sane. This is a helpful bit because I get to see what that form of separation creates and the evidence against separation piles up. It’s all rather funny when I think about it. Then I get caught up in the story again and forget it is funny.

© 2008, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Holding it Loosely

I’ve been studying ACIM for a long time, 25 years or so. Now I am beginning to see that the joke is on me. How can something so simple require 25 years of study?  It all seems to boil down to a few simple things. I am not what I seem. I am still as God created me. So is everyone else. We are all innocent. I forgive the world for what I thought it was, I forgive you for what you did not do, I forgive myself.

Now it did require 25 years and counting of practice. But now that I understand the simplicity of it I can practice without so much anxiety and without the guilt I imposed on myself in the past. I just notice my errors, realize they do not make me guilty, just mistaken. I am still innocent and I am still as God created me. And, the more I notice these errors the less they show up in my life. Who would have thought it could be this simple?

What I am also becoming aware of is that there is not a certain way to do this. It is sooo ego the way many of us grab hold of a certain way of studying the Course and declare everyone else as wrong. This person sees himself as a Robert Perry student, and that one as a Kenneth Wapnick student. One person sees the world through David Hoffmeister’s eyes and someone else thinks that Gary Renard has all the answers. This group only reads the first edition and that group sticks with the Urtext, and many think their version is the only “legitimate” one. This is pretty funny when you think about it. Jesus sent us a book to help us realize that there is only wholeness and unity and so in typical fashion we divide up into opposing groups to study it.

I think a problem I had is that I wanted every word to be mathematically correct. I wanted to study each word until I had squeezed the truth out of it. I wanted to think my way through the Course. But more and more I am understanding that I was wrong. I am learning to put aside my ego thinking and just allow the truth to make itself known to me. I cannot think my way to the truth. I can’t figure it out or find a formula that gets me there. I left the Catholic church because of its rules and its smothering structure, and then I tried to turn the Course into its replacement; different form, same objections.

I look at how my fellow students go about their own awakening process and each one is valid even though it is different. I don’t really believe you need any book or any special process to do this. I found it helpful, but it isn’t a requirement.  Now I am reading and listening to The Way of Mastery. It isn’t important that I do so and I don’t need anyone else to read it in order to validate my experience. Thank you God for that sign of growth! I don’t need to read it or practice it in the way Jeshua suggests, but I do it because it simply makes my heart sing.

I don’t have any reason for writing this except that I am learning to hold it all very loosely and it feels good. I just wanted to share.

© 2008, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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