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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 5. 3-31-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
5 If you choose to see yourself as unloving you will not be happy. You are condemning yourself and must therefore regard yourself as inadequate. Would you look to the ego to help you escape from a sense of inadequacy it has produced, and must maintain for its existence? Can you escape from its evaluation of you by using its methods for keeping this picture intact?

Journal
In the past my problem was that I would do unloving things, or have unloving thoughts, and I used this as proof that I was unloving. I held grievances against even people I loved. I avoided people I didn’t like. I laughed at unkind jokes and shared gossip at the water cooler. How could I see myself as good, when it was obvious I was not good?

Slowly, as I studied and practiced the Course, and lived it the best I could, I began to understand that what I do is not what I am. With just this little bit of understanding, I was able to start using the unloving acts and thoughts as indication there was still something in my mind that was sick and needed healing. Instead of being something that caused me shame, I was often able to see it as red flags, indicators, and know that it could change.

I was also able, eventually, to detach from these thoughts and their effects, knowing that we all share them. While I seemed to be healing me, I was really healing the Sonship, as I allowed the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking. I forget this sometimes, and there are times when I am unable to detach, at least at first. Eventually, I remember my function, and remember that I am the light of the world.

My part is so small, so simple. I desire to forgive all I think is true now. Just that. I desire. I notice when I desire something else and I release that to the Holy Spirit. I do this until all I desire is God. I disregard appearances, and follow my guide as if there was nothing to see but light all around me, because that is the truth.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 4. 3-30-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
4 You, then, have two conflicting evaluations of yourself in your mind, and they cannot both be true. You do not yet realize how completely different these evaluations are, because you do not understand how lofty the Holy Spirit’s perception of you really is. He is not deceived by anything you do, because He never forgets what you are. The ego is deceived by everything you do, especially when you respond to the Holy Spirit, because at such times its confusion increases. The ego is, therefore, particularly likely to attack you when you react lovingly, because it has evaluated you as unloving and you are going against its judgment. The ego will attack your motives as soon as they become clearly out of accord with its perception of you. This is when it will shift abruptly from suspiciousness to viciousness, since its uncertainty is increased. Yet it is surely pointless to attack in return. What can this mean except that you are agreeing with the ego’s evaluation of what you are?

Journal
I have to laugh as I read this because just this morning, the ego turned on me. Last Friday, I received some very nice compliments from someone, and they came at a perfect time. I had been doubting myself and feeling less than, when right out of the blue someone I never expected to encourage me did so in a most surprising way. I felt gratitude toward her, and I took it as a gift from the Universe and was happy to have it.

Then this morning, I woke up with the thought that maybe I was too forthcoming and that it would cost me in the end. Maybe the loving feeling I had toward this person was misplaced, and really, I always have been too trusting. I saw that this was a grievance and I pulled myself together. I remembered that there is only one problem and the solution is readily available to me. I let this insanity go.

So just now as I read that the ego is particularly likely to attack me when I react lovingly, I just had to laugh. It certainly does. It can be vicious in its attack. This whole paragraph shows the ego’s true colors. It is confused and afraid. It doesn’t understand anything and so it attacks blindly at anything that threatens its idea of reality in even small ways.

As I think about this, I understand completely, because I have experienced this ego confusion and fear many times. I felt myself lash out in anger simply because I felt threatened. I did this even when I was unsure of the threat. When I identify with the ego, I feel the ego’s reactions as if they were mine. So I feel the fear and rage that comes with being uncertain, and I think I am angry and afraid and uncertain.

But I am not the ego and as I turn from the ego idea of reality, and listen to the Voice for God remind me of my true nature, I detach from that sad and fearful identity. It seems difficult at times, but the more I do it, the easier it becomes. The solution is right there in my mind next to the problem. The miracle is instantaneous once I decide for it. Just like that, I went from suspicion back to gratitude, from fear to love.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9,VII. The Two Evaluations, P 5. 3-26-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 5.
5 If you choose to see yourself as unloving you will not be happy. You are condemning yourself and must therefore regard yourself as inadequate. Would you look to the ego to help you escape from a sense of inadequacy it has produced, and must maintain for its existence? Can you escape from its evaluation of you by using its methods for keeping this picture intact?

Journal
One of the favorite ego strategies to keep me in the illusion is to bring up the past. I remember particularly bad choices I made at different times of my life and I feel shame or regret. I feel like a bad person and I definitely do not love the person I was, and by extension, I do not love the self I am now. Holding these judgements in my mind they are as valid now as when the incidents occurred. I keep them alive through my continued judgement of them.

Another way the ego works is to see others as their past actions, or to judge them now. When I judge anyone, I judge myself. I judge them according to what I believe about myself and they are one with me so what I do to them I do to me. As well, when I don’t act lovingly to someone else, I don’t feel loving.

The ego has a lot of strange and ineffective strategies to convince me and (I hope others) that I am loveable. Get a doting husband. Guilt the kids into being around more, or alternatively, buy their affection which will make it seem I am loveable to them. Do nice things for people. Be agreeable. Be a people pleaser. Get rid of people who see me as unlovable, discount their opinions, especially in front of someone who might believe them. None of this works.

The only way to know I am Love is to let go of grievances and to see what lies behind them. I am loveable because I am as God created me. Knowing that as a concept is just not the same as feeling it, knowing it because I have seen behind the veil of grievances to what lives as Self. I cannot use grievances to protect myself. There is no reason to keep them, and every reason to release them.

 

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4. 3-25-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
4 You, then, have two conflicting evaluations of yourself in your mind, and they cannot both be true. You do not yet realize how completely different these evaluations are, because you do not understand how lofty the Holy Spirit’s perception of you really is. He is not deceived by anything you do, because He never forgets what you are. The ego is deceived by everything you do, especially when you respond to the Holy Spirit, because at such times its confusion increases. The ego is, therefore, particularly likely to attack you when you react lovingly, because it has evaluated you as unloving and you are going against its judgment. The ego will attack your motives as soon as they become clearly out of accord with its perception of you. This is when it will shift abruptly from suspiciousness to viciousness, since its uncertainty is increased. Yet it is surely pointless to attack in return. What can this mean except that you are agreeing with the ego’s evaluation of what you are?

Journal
I am beginning to see myself from the Holy Spirit’s point of view. My mind is still conflicted, because when the ego responds, and as Jesus says, some of those responses are vicious, I still find myself believing the ego. My actions and words and thoughts seem to justify the ego viewpoint of me as unloving.

On the other hand, I am also becoming aware that I am not what the ego insists I am. It is hard to put into words because there is still some confusion around the issue. But I will speak to someone, or react to someone and realize that this is not the “me” I used to think I was. I am just not what the ego says I am.

I do feel connected and I do feel forgiving and loving. I see neediness instead of love and I see myself gravitating toward special love, and yet, I feel genuine love, real love that is not just for some people and I feel love that asks for nothing in return. I am becoming aware of both evaluations, and often I am choosing to believe the Holy Spirit’s evaluation, if not completely, at least enough to see how different this feels.

In the meantime, I am learning to open my heart to what I do not yet know completely. I am learning to step back in a way I have not done so in the past. I step back from understanding with my mind, and allow understanding to flood my heart. I trust it even if I don’t experience it in a way that is familiar. I seem to “know” that something just happened, and with time I see the change unfold within me. I see it in my actions and reactions and in my feelings.

First there was a little willingness that grew. Then lots of practice and great vigilance. Finally, I began to allow and accept. And now, this opening of the heart which is a deeper allowance and acceptance, something that happens without the thinking mind being involved at all. It is still new and I ask Jesus for help with it because it is so unfamiliar, but I like this.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 3. 3-24-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 3
3 It is perfectly obvious that if the Holy Spirit looks with love on all He perceives, He looks with love on you. His evaluation of you is based on His knowledge of what you are, and so He evaluates you truly. And this evaluation must be in your mind, because He is. The ego is also in your mind, because you have accepted it there. Its evaluation of you, however, is the exact opposite of the Holy Spirit’s, because the ego does not love you. It is unaware of what you are, and wholly mistrustful of everything it perceives because its perceptions are so shifting. The ego is therefore capable of suspiciousness at best and viciousness at worst. That is its range. It cannot exceed it because of its uncertainty. And it can never go beyond it because it can never be certain.

Journal
Now that I have spent some years observing this phenomenon it seems very clear to me which voice I listen to at any one time. I am aware of thoughts in my mind that are clearly ego based and thoughts that I know come from my holy Self. I also have thoughts that I am unsure of as I am sure many people do. Thoughts that are not clearly ego or Spirit. It is especially confusing if I have a horse in the race, that is, if I want a particular thing to be true.

One thing that I am certain of is that I can gain clarity if I really want it. I ask Holy Spirit for His interpretation and then I quiet my mind a moment in preparation for receiving it. If I don’t feel an answer right away, I simply wait for it. The answer will show up. Sometimes it comes through someone else or through a book. Sometimes it just bubbles up at a perfect time. I have a thought and I know that thought is the truth and that it did not come from the ego mind.

I have also experienced the ego at its most vicious. There are two times this seems to happen. Sometimes I will start paying attention to the ego and before you know it, I am drowning in ego thoughts and I don’t know which way is up. This is when the ego can get vicious. It has my full attention and I feel vulnerable to its worse thoughts.

The other time it happens is when I have been doing really well, studying the Course, practicing what I study, really living it. I am consciously and deliberately turning from the ego and focusing my attention on the Voice for God. Then I suddenly feel depressed, or enraged, or I get sick. It is the ego response to the loss of my attention. The ego is the part of the mind that does not want to awaken from the dream, and it will throw up roadblocks to keep me involved. If the ego feels threatened by my spiritual growth, those are the times it is most vicious in its response.

An advantage I have is that I have seen it all before. I have been doing this for a long time and while I can become temporarily confused and even temporarily afraid of my confusion, I never completely believe it anymore. So I am much calmer about it now, and that helps me to reach clarity again much faster.

I understand now that the ego has no power over me. The ego did not make me; I made it. It cannot prevail against me. I used to think that sometimes I would fall into an ego storm, but now I realize that it takes my active corporation. I generally hide that from myself, but the truth is, I don’t slip unawares into ego, I jump into the storm. Coming to my senses, I simply step out of it.

I do this by asking the Holy Spirit to help me see. For instance, yesterday I became frustrated about work. It seemed that time was getting away from me and I couldn’t see how to get everything done. I felt my peace and happiness slipping away. So I stopped and asked Holy Spirit to help me see it differently.

I remembered that there is only one problem and that one problem isn’t a lack of time. The one problem is the belief that I am separate from God. That problem has been solved. This seeming problem with time is just an echo of the past belief that there are many problems that I must solve.

I remembered that the world with all its problems is just an image I have made. I no longer have a problem because it has been solved and so I there is no longer a need for me to make these images. They are no longer valid. I sat while this truth penetrated my heart and felt peace return. I allowed my mind to hear the Holy Spirit’s evaluation of me. I am whole and complete and need nothing. I am God’s holy Son, His beloved Son. I am not ego. I am, with my brothers, the Christ.

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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 2. 3-23-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 2
2 Consider, then, that in this joint will you are all united, and in this only. There may be disagreement on anything else, but not on this. This, then, is where peace abides. And you abide in peace when you so decide. Yet you cannot abide in peace unless you accept the Atonement, because the Atonement is the way to peace. The reason is very simple, and so obvious that it is often overlooked. The ego is afraid of the obvious, since obviousness is the essential characteristic of reality. Yet you cannot overlook it unless you are not looking.

Journal
I want to be happy and you want to be happy. On this we can agree. We may feel unworthy of happiness at times, but we still want it. In our agreement, peace abides and we can abide there, too. All it takes is a decision to do so. In that decision, we choose to accept the Atonement. We choose to allow the ego to be undone for us, because there is no other way to be at peace, and no other way to be happy.

This section is going to help us look at what should be obvious, but what we have overlooked since we make the world we see and all that is part of it. We are going to look at the two evaluations, the Holy Spirit’s evaluation of us, and the ego’s evaluation. What we want to remember is that we are always agreeing with one or the other.

There is no third choice, no neutral ground. And which we agree with is a matter of decision. Our decision changes nothing in reality, because what God created cannot be changed. But our choice is important because choosing to agree with the ego prolongs our suffering. We have closed our eyes to the truth long enough. We have suffered long enough.

Let us look with eyes wide open at the two evaluations that Jesus is presenting to us. Today, I make a commitment to see what is obvious. As I read this section, I open my mind to what Jesus is telling us. I commit to staying aware during the day so that I will see how this applies in my life, how I have been accepting the ego’s evaluation. I commit to opening my heart so that I can fully receive the Holy Spirit’s evaluation instead.

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations P 1. 3-20-15

VII. The Two Evaluations
1 God’s Will is your salvation. Would He not have given you the means to find it? If He wills you to have it, He must have made it possible and easy to obtain it. Your brothers are everywhere. You do not have to seek far for salvation. Every minute and every second gives you a chance to save yourself. Do not lose these chances, not because they will not return, but because delay of joy is needless. God wills you perfect happiness now. Is it possible that this is not also your will? And is it possible that this is not also the will of your brothers?

God’s Will is my salvation so of course it is both possible and easy to obtain. The problem is separation so the answer is union.  Not that we have to achieve union, but that we must stop resisting union and accept it as a fact. We are joined. We are one. Denying union is the way we reject salvation. Pretending we are separate is the way we delay our happiness.

I have been doing the grievance lessons and it has made me very conscious of the grievances I hold. In these lessons, Jesus says that grievances keep me from knowing God. He says that those who hold grievances will suffer guilt, that they will forget who they are. He says I am the light of the world, but that my grievances hide that light. He also says that the ego’s plan for salvation centers around holding grievances.

In Lesson 71, he says: “Holding grievances is the opposite of God’s plan for salvation. And only His plan will work.” I want salvation. I want to awaken and remember my Self. I want to remember my creations. I want to feel my union with God, and to do that I must first accept my union with my brothers. I can do that only through releasing all grievances.

Noticing that I still have many grievances was discouraging. I really didn’t realize that was true. But as I think of it, I realize that if I believe in guilt, I will project that guilt onto someone else. That is how grievances are born. The encouraging part of this is that I don’t actually have to undo every individual grievance. I can use the grievances I am aware of to remind me that there is healing that needs to be done. I can use them to practice releasing grievances and to experience the relief and joy that comes as I release them, and so motivate myself to accept salvation.

What I understand from doing these lessons is that the shortcut to salvation is to understand that my grievances not only stand between me and salvation, but they are completely unnecessary. I am not guilty. I have nothing to project. It is all a ridiculous misunderstanding. Separation is not a sin because it is not real. I did nothing, and therefore I did nothing wrong. I am merely pretending to do the impossible.

Since I am not guilty there is no need to project, and without projection there is no grievance. Without guilt, projection and grievances, there is no need to prolong the dream of separation. I am innocent and God welcomes me Home. I have nothing to fear and so I gladly return Home. Each time I notice a grievance, big or small, I open my heart to my brother. I invite him in and envelope him in our holiness. Maybe I still have grievances and maybe it is more than I realized, but each one is a chance to save myself, and my brother with me.

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